Kids

Yesterday some kid punched me. He was this little Indian kid and was about five. I was playing an XBox demo and he came up and wanted to play. He looked up at me and punched me in the leg. Not hard, but I immediately heard the inner black woman go "Oh no you didn't." The mother didn't do much other than say his name in a fake stern voice. I wanted to pick him up by his head and shake it till his body went limp. There needs to be more of that I think. Children need dangers and predators to keep them nice and quite when in public. If we still lived in the jungles, that little curry turd who won't stop crying while you eat would only be a problem for a few moments before being snatched away by a giant tiger or bear.

Today however, I had a great experience with a kid. I was in the same mall and was going to go down the escalator but there was this little kid, about 4, who was timid and an old man who was doing his best to get him on to the thing. "Come on," he said as he stepped on to the escalator. The kid just stood there watching. I guess he thought it was funny to watch this old man run up in the wrong direction only to fall just before reaching the top and ride it back down on his ass.

You know what, it was funny.

But the good guy in me kicked in and I said, "Just go ahead, I'll help him on." So while the old man rode his way down to the bottom floor, I helped the little boy onto the escalator, rode down with him, and helped him off. The old man thanked me and I think the boy was happy as well. As I walked off, I thought, "Man, that was nice of me. I mean, that poor old man would have been in big trouble had I not come along and assisted in his abduction and molestation of that little boy." True, I don't know for sure that the boy was molested, but what else do you do with a child?

Fired

I have been fired from Rascals in Louisville for being "too dark". The owner came up to me before show time and said that first show is usually a more conservative crowd and he didn't want me to be too dark.

I go up and 7 minutes in, I’m getting an urgently flashing light. I felt that I was doing fairly well with my opener and closer getting a great response. The show did start late, so maybe he was just cutting my time short there. When I come off, he takes me out of the club and says, "Dude, I specifically told you to go easy and you get up there and do your “grandma’s nipple ring” bit and the “midget doctor” thing. What didn't you understand?"

I explained to the guy that that is my material and I was being about as conservative as I get. And looking back at the rest of that show and the 11:00 show, I really don’t understand how I was THAT bad.

He pulled me from the rest of the week. I did get paid and after talking a little more with him and the manager they explained that they didn't have a problem with me. They thought I but just didn’t fit their idea of this particular show.

They said they'd love to have me back with like an Attell or Artie Lang who I would fit with.

I think I need to study exactly what the hell "dark" means. I don't think I'm dirty, because I avoid profanity like I would a pile of aids monkeys.

I’m glad that we left on decent terms and I’ll probably send them a card just thanking them for not being dicks about everything. Though it would have been entertaining to have a big Vince McMahon style “YOU’RE FIRED!” thrown at me.

Grocery Shopping

I don't think I can go to my local Lowes Foods anymore because there's this hot chick who works the register that has these eyes that just turn me stupid. I stand there staring at her as she rings my stuff up just trying not to drool. Then she's says, "That'll be $7.50" and dig into my pocket and hand her a wadded up twenty and couldn't look more retarded if I had cerebral palsy and parkinsons.

I don't need that in my life.