Obscene Waste

Finally!

2009-01-09T20:06:00.000-08:00

I will be writing at my newly finished website from now on. Please visit me JoshGoguen.com. Thanks!

iNotSick

2009-01-05T06:25:00.000-08:00

Steve Jobs has hormone imbalance, will remain CEO

So, all that concern about the rapid weight loss and health of Apple CEO Steve Jobs was a little bit misdirected. You see, Steve Jobs isn't necessarily sick sick, he just has a hormone imbalance that's causing him to drop weight. Hormone Imbalance? This is perfect fodder for Microsoft. Too much Apple can turn you into a menopausal woman.

"Geez Gary, what're you on your period?"

"No, I just got an iPod Shuffle."

As an Apple product user, I'm a little bit concerned.

Green sucks.

2009-01-02T06:46:00.001-08:00

Enough with GREEN! If you want to be environmentally friendly that's fine. Just stop calling it "Green". I used to think it was a nice color but then the environmentalists took it. I might have been okay if they claimed forest green or teal green, but no, they took green itself.

Why does some marketing firm get to decide what we call these things? Shouldn't we be allowed to vote? I'd have gone with Earthy or Gore Friendly.

Yes, the Earth is green, but it's also blue. Could you be the Blue Movement?

So now everything is green green green green green. Man, that word starts to sound stupid after a while.

2009

2008-12-31T21:49:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year douche bags!

2008 didn't turn out to be the gang buster year I thought it would, but if Nostradamus were off by a few years it'd still count as a hit, so I'm still holding out hope.

2009 was kicked off with a guy in a wheelchair. Not quite the rockin eve I was hoping for. You got Dick Clark who's permanently drunk and I'm rockin with a guy who snapped his neck a few years ago. Doesn't really instill me with hope. Positive attitude though.

My resolutions?

Stretch. My hamstrings are tight.
Be more aggressive. I go with the flow way too much and need to change that.
Update my website. Speaks for itself, but I need to get my shit together.

Maybe '09 will be the '08 I wanted.

Best wishes to all.

Number 1 Resolution Part 3: Exercise

2008-12-30T16:54:00.000-08:00

If diet is 80%, why would you bother with exercise? Diet is 80% of how you look but how your body moves is another story. The old cliche "move it or lose it" applies to you. Ever see a man who was fairly active retire and rapidly turn into an immobile old man? That's what a sedentary lifestyle will eventually do to you.

My philosophy on exercise is a combination of CrossFit's and a few other sources. Your exercise should be hard and intense. Like with diet, I look to what nature has given us. If you're a hunter, you would conserve energy until you needed in, in which case you would expend large amounts of effort and then get plenty of rest. Picture a wild lion. They lay around most of the day, but when they hunt down prey they are fast and vicious. They don't spend time in the fat burning zone or check their heart beats.

I know, jogging is a great way to lose weight. I've done it myself and was fairly happy with the results. Then I noticed the difference in the bodies of distance joggers verses the bodies of sprinters. The sprinters were leaner, more muscular and looked healthier overall. Also, jogging bores me.

When you lift, lift heavy. Force your body to become stronger. If you're doing 12 reps of some exercise and running your mouth about some TV show you saw last night, you're wasting your time. Heavy for you is different than it is for the next person. Don't worry if some guy can bench 400 pounds and you struggle with 95. Just worry about improving yourself.

If you can't get to a gym, don't worry. I'm not a big fan of commercial gyms anyway. The majority of the machines are useless. 95% of the people there just like the social aspect. Most of the trainers don't know how to perform the exercises right. You don't need it. There are great body weight exercises you can do. Running is free.

If you want something, don't spend a ton of money on some huge piece of equipment that you have to sacrifice a room for. I'm sure the Bowflex is great, but you don't need it. The Gazel sucks. The ROM is an expensive hunk of garbage. Get your hands on a kettlebell.

What is a kettlebel?

Think of it as a cannonball with a handle. The kettlebell has been around for a long time and has long been used in Russia and kettlebell lifting is even a national sport there. It is a great home gym in that you can use it to build strength, improve cardio, even work on coordination; there's a reason they are popular with MMA fighters. When you're done, just put in in the closet.

With all of that said, here are a few sites I recommend you visit:

1. CrossFit - Again, where it all started over for me. CrossFit is about being proficient in as much as possible. The work outs are comprised of power lifting movements, olympic lifting movements, gymnastic skills, and much much more. The focus is on intensity. How quickly can you do 150 burpees? How many pull-ups, push-ups, and squats can you do in 20 minutes? What is your 1 rep max in the overhead press? CrossFit covers it all. The focus is on performance. Don't think you can hang? Every workout is scalable to your fitness level and what kind of equipment you have. Remember how good the guys in 300 looked? This is where many of their training ideas came from.

2. Performance Menu - PM is similar to CrossFit with the focus being mainly on strength. You still get a good conditioning workout, but typically the metabolic workouts are short in order to keep your cardio in good shape while still focusing your attention on being as strong as possible.

3. Dragon Door - THE place to go for all of your kettlebell needs. Pavel Tsatsouline is a Russian strength and conditioning expert who lives exercise and his specialty is the kettlebell. I highly recommend any and all of his books. Naked Warrior is about body weight only exercises. Enter the Kettlebell is a great introduction to the Kettlebell. Power to the People is your guide to gaining strength with 2 sets of deadlifts and presses a day. The man knows what he's talking about.

Dragon Door kettlebells are also the best I've used. They are a bit more expensive than others, but they have the best handles and are very well balanced. You can also find a good deal on eBay that can save you up to $100 at times. If your a guy a 16 Kg or 20 Kg bell and the Enter the Kettlebell DVD with is a great introduction. If your a woman, 8 Kg or 12 Kg bell with the The Kettlebell Goddess Workout> DVD is a good start.

I'm only listed 3 websites because they are the main 3 I go to. All three cover weight loss, cardio fitness and strength training. Just about anything you want to know can be found here. The forums are excellent sources of information and they are very welcoming to new people.

As always, talk to your doctor, blah blah blah. Work hard and work smart. You'll be glad you did when you're 60 and can still move well.

Number 1 Resolution Part 2: Eating

2008-12-30T03:25:00.000-08:00

If you want to see results towards your New Years resolution of losing weight, diet is going to be 80% of the formula. Exercise all you want, if your eating isn't right, you won't see the difference. Sure, you'll feel stronger or have more endurance, you'll even see a change in body composition, but it won't be nearly as dramatic as when your diet is dialed in.

For me, I've been eating mostly a Paleo diet. Meals consist of mainly meats, fruits, vegetables, and nuts. I stay away from breads, pastas, rice, and potatoes. At first, the rice and potatoes made no sense to give up on, but at some point, I decided to make a leap of faith with the recommendations of people I trusted and the weight just dropped off. The idea behind the diet is to eat what a hunter-gatherer would because that's basically what your body was made to be.

Also, diet isn't a temporary thing. You have to be willing to make a lifestyle shift. That's why most people fail. They aren't willing to make a long term change. It's tough to blame them because most diets seem so rigid and any deviation is to be frowned upon.

The people who I tend to listen to give guidelines and not rules. They say to eat a certain way, but also to feel free to make adjustments for your needs. If you want dairy, have it. Just don't expect the same results as if you didn't take eat it (If you're looking to gain weight, milk can be your friend). If you want more carbs, at least try natural sources like sweet potatoes; some have had decent results with oats or rice.

My indulgence is "Free Day". That's the one day a week where I allow myself pizza, cookies, and any other food that I've been craving that week. Usually, after the first meal I'm ready to puke.

Here are some websites that I recommend. I don't agree with everything these guys say, but they have definitely had an impact on the way I view food and it's relation to health.

1. Arthur DeVany - Arthur DeVany is a 72 year old statistician who has also been studying health in relation to how our bodies were made. His brand of fitness is called Evolutionary Fitness and he's been perhaps the most influential person on me to this point. He advises diet and activity patterns that mimic those found in nature (very similar to the Paleo diet). I also greatly respect that he lives what he preaches. The man is 72 and is in amazingly good shape and is still very athletic with out hormone replacements or other drugs.

2. CrossFit Forums - Where it all started for me. These guys are all about what works. They have 2 diets that they support. The Zone Diet and the Paleo Diet. There is a lot of discussion about both and if you have any questions, it's likely been asked and answered there.

3. Performance Menu Forums - The second step from CrossFit. They share a lot of the same ideas with PM being more about strength than CrossFit. Also, I think these guys are a little more tightly knit of a group.

4. The IF Life - Mike O'Donnell is a health and fitness coach who I came to be aware of thru the Performance Menu. The reason I recommend him is because he is one of the guys who introduced me to the idea of Intermittent Fasting. To put it simply, IF is getting out of the mindset that you have to eat every few hours. If we were in the wild, you wouldn't know where your next meal would come from. It makes no sense for your body to be destroyed by this process and may even be healthful. For me, IF is just delaying when I have my first meal. For others, they eat a day, skip a day. We get our daily calories in, just in a smaller window.

5. Underground Wellness - This is a link to the YouTube videos of Sean Croxton, Certified Personal Trainer and a very well researched Diet and Lifestyle Coach. I don't know if I buy the Metabolic Typic program that he's into, but he is I do respect his opinions. Also, if you're like me, being able to watch videos in small chunks is a great way to pick stuff up. He's fairly new to me, but I feel confident in recommending him.

These are sites that have helped me. If you don't agree with them, that's fine. There are tons of ideas out there because they've all seemed to have worked for someone. Just be active in finding what works for you. If you go buy some diet book, and it doesn't work, it doesn't mean healthy eating won't help you, it just means that book wasn't for you. Most of all, find something that makes sense to you.

Number 1 resolution Part 1

2008-12-29T04:58:00.000-08:00

In honor of the number one New Year's resolution, lose weight, I'm going to use my next few blogs to address some things I've learned about it over the last few years. Today, I'll give you a little background.

I was a fat kid growing up. While not the biggest kid in school, I was picked for the school's tug-o-war team for the weight advantage.

For my 11th birthday, I was given a gym membership. My dad and uncle were really into weight lifting, and I think Dad might have been a bit concerned about my weight and perhaps thought that if I would focus on some weights, I'd put on some muscle instead of fat. I did put on some muscle, but I ate tons of garbage so it was well hidden under gut and tits.

My first year of high school I was pretty much sick of myself and decided to lose weight. I followed the low fat plan and did a half hour to an hour of aerobic activity every day after school. I got down to a respectable weight but it didn't last very long. Slowly my eating got worse, I got lazy, I got heavier.

Over the next several years I would go from 185 to 200 to 190 to 210. The heaviest point I hit was 220. I'm 5'7" tall, and that's way out of the range I needed to be in. Fortunately, or unfortunately, I carried the weight fairly well because I was still lifting weights so I could kid myself into thinking that I was mostly muscle. I could be one of those guys in the gyms who said, "Ah, I'm focusing more on strength right now."

A few years ago, I got into Brazilian Jiu Jitsu. To test myself, I wanted to compete in some tournaments. BJJ is a weight class sport and competing at Heavyweight was not a good idea. I wasn't big enough to compete with guys who were legitimately my size, much less people who were bigger. I started the process of losing weight again.

Jogging 3 miles a few days a week and eating my low fat diet in 6 small meals a day, my weight went to 185. Actually, I was about 192, but cutting water weight got 185 to appear on the scales at the weigh in. I was happy because I didn't think there was much more to lose that.

Thru Jiu Jitsu, I was introduced to a training philosophy called CrossFit. For someone who'd been in and out of typical gyms for 16 years at that point, it seemed weird. After hearing that a lot of professional fighters do it, why not give it a try? The more I got into it, the more reading I did and the more my ideas of health and fitness changed.

Now with a different diet and workout regimen, I'm 173.

This isn't an attempt to brag, but a chance to let you know that I've been there. There's nothing worse than someone who's always been thin giving advice on how to do it.

Oh, really, all you do is not take the elevator and walk up the 3 flights of stairs to you apartment instead?
So, you just don't eat the pizza crusts and you stay thin?

There's a lot that I've learned that still I still haven't seen in more mainstream sources. In the next few days, the suggestions I give will mostly be websites to read that have helped me tremendously.

No more compliments.

2008-12-26T03:35:00.001-08:00

It's amazing how quickly a compliment can slowly turn. Give it a try when you see a friend who's lost a little weight.

"Wow, did you lose weight? You look good."

"Thanks. Yes I did."

"That's crazy. I just...wow."

"Thanks."

"I'm just so surprised. I mean you're REALLY looking good."

"Um...thanks."

"I mean, not that you didn't look okay before, but now, just, wow!"

"Don't ever talk to me again."

That person will never again ask "Hey, do ya notice anything new?"

X-mas eve blog.

2008-12-24T06:00:00.000-08:00

Christmas is tomorrow and I must admit, this is the first year I can remember since I was a kid that I'm somewhat happy about that.

Part of that is me being proud of myself in selecting gifts for certain people. I say selecting the gifts because I know they are good gifts, but actually buying them might have been stupid. I should have bought cheap stuff and attached photos of the good gifts with a note that says, "Even though you hate this cheap piece of garbage, I know you woulda liked this and it's the thought that counts."

The other part is because my kid is old enough this year to enjoy the lights and open a present and say "Whoa!". I'm sure that by the time tomorrow morning is here, I'll have something to bitch about, but as it is right now, this holiday is starting to mean something to me again

A or B?

2008-12-23T07:49:00.000-08:00

On the Drudge Report today he has a poll on which is your favorite shirtless dou... Shirtless leader. Obama or Putin?

It's a bit unfair because Obama is younger and has better bone structure. On the other hand, Putin looks like he can whip some ass.

It's also unfair because it shows how retarded we are that this is on a supposed news site.

What's in a name?

2008-12-22T04:16:00.000-08:00

I don't like my own name and part of the reason why is Josh is such a common name. I hate being out in public and someone's say "Josh, get over here." I turn around and it's some woman trying to keep her kid under control.

The first time it was really evident to me that it was going to be a problem was in 4th or 5th grade. There was this girl I liked, Angie, but she was in another class. I didn't really get to talk to her but I knew I liked her and wanted to. Fortunately for me my friend Dwayne who rode the same bus to school also shared a class with her. Dwayne was black by the way. It's not important to the story or life in general, but as a white person, it's alway fun to point out when you have black friends.

I asked Dwayne if he could get her phone number for me. Dwayne said it wouldn't be a problem and he followed thru. At the end of school, I met Dwayne back on the bus. I was excited to see him only to find he didn't get those digits.

What happened was he said Josh wanted her number and she began to happily write it down. Then she stopped half way thru and said, "Wait, which Josh?" He let her know it was me and she declined to finish. Maybe she could've just said, "Oh, THAT Josh and just spit into the paper, folded it up and handed it to Dwayne to give to me."

See, had I been the only Josh, she would've known it was me right away and just said no. I probably have spun it in my own head to make it more palatable. Maybe her parents were strict about the phone and didn't want friends calling. It could be they were poor and didn't even have a phone. Perhaps it could have been she was going deaf in her right ear and didn't want to risk putting lefty in jeopardy with any lengthy phone chats.

Sadly none of those defense mechanism excuses could be made because it was clear that the problem was me. And so, the first real blow to my ego had been made and all because I have an all to common name. Well that and because I sucked apparently.

Chinese meat.

2008-12-19T05:31:00.000-08:00

China has people protesting against the eating of putrid cats. If China is anything like this country they've got a ton of horrible cats and poor dogs running around with out homes. They're probably also going to put those animals down anyway. Why not feed some people while we're at it? Some people have rabbits for pets and some eat them, why should other animals get preferential treatment?

I know that we have some sort of bond to disgusting cats and cuddly dogs because we think pet. Yet, if you cared so damn much, you'd probably be out there finding home for every pound puppy and crack-whore cat that is days away from being put down. Obviously it doesn't matter that much because each year, according to Wikipedia, we put down 9.6 million animals in America alone. That's a lot of protein to be dumping into a hole or turning to ash.

It just seems like a waste to not eat certain animals because we have a bond to them. I don't even expect Americans to eat them, but we could freeze pack them and ship them off to starving countries to help them.

Fuck cats.

A bit on History.

2008-12-18T07:13:00.000-08:00

While I think it is important to learn from History, I'm not quite sure I trust it. For all I know, none of it ever happened and the day I was born the Earth was put in motion and given a backstory and animals and people and trees....Okay, so I don't really believe that, but I can't prove that's not the case either.

I find it strange when a school brags about getting new History books because they're more accurate. You'd think the older ones would be better because they're closer in time to the actual events.

In high school I remember being taught by boring teachers. History is a collection of great stories, why do some of the most boring people go into that? Get a great storyteller to teach the damn class. Hire some Irish pub regulars or something.

Anyway, in high school I remember learning about the Salem Witch Trials (should they all be capped like that?). We were told about how the religious nuts thought these people were practicing witch craft and went into a panic and killed the "witches". When I got to college, I was told that crying "witch" was a convenient way of getting the people's support but really the largest factors were socioeconomic between two areas. The people that were killed were from the wealthier side and those that were killing were angry and jealous.

My question is, why wasn't I taught the second story in high school? Isn't that kind of important to know that people were labeled "witch" as an easy way of disposing of political enemies? Why teach the Disney version at all? What are we getting out of History if we're not told the whole story?

They say we never learn from History, but you kind of have to be taught it properly first, wouldn't you think?

Dumbest parents award goes to...

2008-12-17T04:51:00.000-08:00

Cake request for 3-year-old Hitler namesake denied

Long story shot, a ShopRite refused to make a birthday cake for a 3 year old boy that had is full name on it. Why? His full name is Adolf Hitler Campbell.

"I think people need to take their heads out of the cloud they've been in and start focusing on the future and not on the past," said dumb dad, Heath Campbell.

Really? I guess that why you named your son after a figure of history, to look forward.

This next quote is golden in reference to having a party for his son that included several mixed race children.

"If we're so racist, then why would I have them come into my home?" he asked.

The only way that could've been better if he's said "one of those things come into my home".

I do feel bad for the kid. His life is going to be hell when he gets to WW2 in history class. Maybe he'll make sure to thank dad by changing his name to Martin Luther King Cambell.

The blind are mad.

2008-12-16T05:03:00.000-08:00

PATERSON IN A BLIND RAGE OVER 'SNL' SKIT

Gov. Paterson didn't see the humor in a "Saturday Night Live" bit that mocked his blindness.

Really, he didn't see it? So already this news story is jokey. Obviously they aren't taking the "outrage" seriously.

During the "Weekend Update" segment of NBC's irreverent comedy show, actor Fred Armisen played Paterson, imitating his wandering eye, gravelly voice and blunt, self-effacing demeanor.
But Paterson and advocates for the visually impaired didn't appreciate stock blind jokes that had Armisen pretending to be disoriented and wandering aimlessly.

Fred Armisen did a damn good job to. The impression was spot on and it was funny. God forbid SNL be funny once in a while. Besides, almost all of the jokes about him being blind were visual jokes. Who told these blind people they should be upset?

"I can take a joke," Paterson told reporters.

Then shut up.

But he called the SNL spoof a "third-grade depiction of people and the way they look" that could lead others to believe that "disability goes hand-in-hand with an inability to run a government or business."

No, it's a joke that leads to laughter. Your latest plan to raise taxes on hospitals, insurance, and food might lead people to believe that though.

The story sort of goes on and on with out saying a whole lot and later...

"When you have a perception problem like we have, you take these things a little more seriously," said Chris Danielsen, spokesman for the National Federation of the Blind.

What complaints like this do is call into question the ability of the blind to be overly sensitive and potentially a human recourses problem.

"We have 70 percent unemployment - and it's not because we can't work. Obviously, the governor of New York is blind, and he's doing the job. Whenever you have a portrayal that calls the basic capacity of [blind people] into question, that's a potential problem."

As far as the unemployment goes, a lot of jobs, being able to see is important. Police officer, Fireman, truck driver, assembly line worker, mailman, movie critic, proof reader, basketball player, and the list goes on and on.

Danielsen claims "SNL" has a long history of mocking the blind - going back to Eddie Murphy's Stevie Wonder impression and, more recently, a "Weekend Update" one-liner that hybrid cars are dangerous to blind people because they can't hear the engine.

Stevie Wonder is blind! The Governor of New York is blind! If you're going to do impressions of these public personalities, they're going to be portrayed as blind and the blindness will be a part of the joke. If you can't take the joke, you're telling us that you're too sensitive to be in a position like governor that would leave you open to potential mockery.

Paterson's spokesman, Errol Cockfield, said, "The governor is sure that 'Saturday Night Live,' with all of its talent, can find a way to be funny without being offensive," Cockfield said.
"Knowing the governor, he might even have some suggestions himself."

Really, have you been paying attention to SNL over the past 10 years? They haven't been to good with non-offensive funny. How about you stick to ruining your state and let them worry about what they should put on their show? The viewers, you know those of us who see the show, are the ones who decide whether or not something is funny.

Ben Stein's movie

2008-12-15T07:10:00.001-08:00

I watched Expelled: No Intelligence Allowed over the weekend. It's a documentary with Ben Stein where he meets with scientists who claim to have been disciplined for expressing support of Intelligent Design theory, evolutionary scientists who dismiss ID as nuts, and a several others.

The reviews for this movie were all over the place. Mostly you had religious people who gave it five stars because people love someone who supports their point of view. You have atheists and supporters of evolution giving it one star because anyone who believes in ID is a moron. What I find interesting is they seem to miss one of the main messages of the film that I thought was very important: You shouldn't be discouraged from asking questions.

What gets me about the whole thing is why does the origin of life have to be divided between evolution and God? It's this or that and those are your two choices. Why isn't their a third or fourth theory on where life began? Why are those my only two choices?

Also, evolutionists is it really that important that people accept it? Will that change someone's daily routine?

All in all, I thought it was okay as a documentary. I like Ben Stein, which is good because I probably would have zoned in some points if I didn't. It also raises some interesting points, but if you're staunchly on one side or the other, don't bother watching because it won't matter.

Original Skanks and Spices

2008-12-12T05:40:00.001-08:00

Three girls have been fired from the KFC they worked in because they took a bath in the sink. They got in trouble when they put the pics up on their MySpace page.

First of all, these dummies are hacks. Four months ago, a guy was fired from Burger King for doing the same thing. If you're going to be an idiot, how about doing something original? That's at least the upside to stupid guys. They at least have their own ideas.

Second, why would you post photos on your MySpace page? I don't understand what is going on in the brains of kids today, but when I was a kid and you did something stupid, you didn't leave any evidence of it. Not these dummies. They not only put pictures of it up, they caption it with things like, "haha KFC showers!" Haha, you're a disappointment as a human being.

The only upside of the pics being posted is you know exactly how disgusting these chicks are. I doubt I could touch the skin of someone who soaked in a fast food restaurant sink let alone have the desire to sleep with them. If I'm not alone on that, we stand a good chance of weeding out their defective DNA from the gene pool.

Yesterday was something?

2008-12-11T08:02:00.001-08:00

Yesterday was "Day Without a Gay" day. The idea was for them to not go to work or something to show how important they are. No one seemed to notice.

Maybe you kinda sorta thought, "Hmmm. Somethings different, but I can't put my finger on it. Oh, I know. Shawn isn't here. Sure is nice that I get a break from his over reacting to small problems or the constant unnecessary inclusion of show tunes into conversations. My ears feel good getting a break from the ear piercing hiss he gets ever time he says 's' words."

If gays want to be taken seriously, here's what you do: Shut up about it.

I don't mean that in any way other than, just be cool. The coolest gay guys I know aren't like living cartoon characters. They identify themselves by their ambitions or dreams and not just being gay. I want to be able to say, "Oh, I didn't know you're gay. That's cool."

If straight people can identify with you, you'll have a much easier time getting the support you want from us.

The Obama List.

2008-12-10T05:25:00.000-08:00

Obama supporters seemed to have some very clear ideas as to what their candidate was going to do. Granted, if you asked why they were voting for him you'd hear "change" as the main reason, which isn't very specific, but it sure feels like it. Besides, that doesn't matter anymore.

Obama detractors actually did have some very clear ideas as to what he would accomplish should he win. "He's a Marxist who's going to ruin business, lose the war, and in some extreme cases they think he's a Muslim sleeper agent who will soften us up so the terrorists can take over.

So, here's what you should do regardless of which side you're on. Write down the things you think a President Obama will accomplish. Did you vote for him because he said we'd be out of Iraq in 16 months? Did you not vote for him because he would raise capitol gains taxes? Write that down.

Come up with as many reasons as you can for why you did or didn't vote for him. Save your list and every year around Christmas time, pull it out. Go thru the list and check off the ones that happened.

I'm willing to bet that no matter which side you're on, most of your list will go unchecked.

Now I'm Complaining.

2008-12-09T05:24:00.001-08:00

I post my blog here and on MySpace. Today however, MySpace wouldn't publish my blog, just the title of it. How great is that? Think of how many blogs you could get thru when they only consist of titles and nothing else. You'd feel so accomplished just thinking that you made it thru 700 blogs before you even had a cup of coffee.

MySpace, you're on thin ice.

Why lie?

2008-12-08T06:48:00.000-08:00

I met this person last week and while this isn't the conversation that we had, it is definitely in the spirit.

Me: What've you been up to?

Guy: I was on HBO.

Me: Really? What?

Guy: That Jim Norton show.

Me: Huh. I saw all of those. What episode were you on, I must have missed it?

Guy: Yeah, well, I got cut out, but I still got paid and they'll probably use it in an episode later on.

Clearly this guy is lying. I had just met this him but he knew my friend that I was with. What gets me is, all three of us, my friend, myself and the guy, knew these were lies, yet he wanted to keep putting them out there.

Seriously, what is the end game for these people? If I don't know you, there's no reason to lie to me. If my friend knows you already, there's no need to impress him. If everyone involved is a comic, you're not going to pull one over on us like that. So, what's the point?

There are times that I'd really love to see inside someone's mind just to see where they think it all leads.

And you want a bailout?

2008-12-05T04:19:00.000-08:00

We all know by now that American auto companies are looking for money. I keep hearing people say that they make a good car but they're just having a tough time competing. One of the problems they have is the reputation of an American car. They say that while it may have been true that decades ago the quality was inferior to the foreign cars, today it simply isn't.

Well, in my own experience, that's not been true.

My first car was a little green Ford Ranger. I really liked it because it had a matching camper top and had this boxy look that I thought was cool. It was only a few years old when I bought it and it ran great for the first year and a half. Then I started to have problems. It'd have to be in the shop every other month and it was always, "we're going to have to order some parts."

At this same time, my parents had a Ford van that was also seemed like it was always in for something. Like the truck, when it ran, it was great. Problem is, I want it to run all the time, not just when it wants to.

Next car was a Toyota Tercel, no problems what so ever. That was a great car and if it were a little more manly, I'd probably still have it today.

Next car was a Toyota Tacoma. Another great vehicle. It only had one big problem that happened after I'd racked up over 100,000 miles on it.

I drive a Mazda now, which is another great car. It's only had one problem in the few years that we've had it. The reason I drive it is because it's my wife's old car and she now drives a Dodge Caravan. We got this thing because the commercial made it look awesome and it does have a lot of bells and whistles but it was also in the shop several 5 or 6 times in the first 6 months.

Recently we had to have an entire mirror replaced because a little light cap fell off. One whole mirror? Actually it was both mirrors, because the other cap was loose. You'd think they could just get the caps.

I know that many people love their Made in Americas, but for me, they've been problems. So, if this is what the American companies think is quality, then I would hate to have been around when they sucked.

You Stink!

2008-12-04T07:07:00.000-08:00

Even though I'm not a fan of Sen. Harry Reid, I will say this guy is being beaten up rather unfairly. At an opening of a new visitor center in Washington D.C., Sen. Reid was commenting on the air conditioning in new center being a good thing and said, "You can literally smell the tourists coming into the Capitol."

Obviously he was joking. The fact that he is getting beaten up about a joke is one of the reasons why politicians completely suck. Everything these guys say has to be so calculated so as to not offend anyone or give cannon fodder to commentators that they come off as lame and saying a lot of nothing.

The conservative commentators are really doing a disservice by making a big deal about this because it is both stooping and it gives validity to the other side when a conservative makes a joke that isn't received well. Shut up and talk about something of substance.

Science thing.

2008-12-03T06:17:00.000-08:00

One of the strange things about evolution is how we claim to believe it, yet at the same time don't seem to want to follow it. A big part of evolution is the death of those that are maladapted.

If a species dying off is part of how the process works, why do we have an endangered species list? I guess just having the list would be fine, but we use the list to try to keep these animals around. It should be a "see 'em while they're still around" list.

I know that some will say that man is the reason many of those species are going extinct so we have to protect them. Didn't we evolve on this planet as well? So, wouldn't we and everything we do be part of the Earth's natural process?

If the beaver built a dam that affected the fish population, no one would protest the beaver. So, why is it when we build a dam, many people see it as wrong? I'm sorry Mr. Bog Turtle, but we're doing what we do. Besides, you don't really see any other animals chipping in to help preserve anything.

"Excuse me shark, but could you stop eating so many of the monk seals. They're on a list."

We also need to apply natural selection to our own species. If your to dumb to make it on your own, we are doing the species a disservice by helping you.

I don't care if you believe in evolution or not. If you do believe in it however, I think you should allow it to work.

This TV Guide list sucks

2008-12-02T05:17:00.001-08:00

I've been siting on this one for a little while and I can't remember what could have possibly been more important. Below is the top 5 of TV Guide's TV Tough Guy list.

1. MacGyver
2. Buffy The Vampire Slayer
3. Jack Bauer
4. Sydney Bristow (Alias)
5. Magnum P.I.

First, Buffy and Sydney aren't guys so they don't belong on this list. I understand the desire to keep things equal or whatever, but this isn't a tough character list it's a tough guy list. Besides, I'm really tired of the girl that can fight thing anyway.

I don't even remember Magnum P.I. but I do know that if he were a tough enough guy to make number 5, I would have watched enough that I would remember the show.

Jack Bauer, I don't watch 24, but from what I understand, he could have easily been number 1.

MacGyver as number one? MacGyver wasn't a tough guy. He was a smart guy. Yes, he was in difficult situations, but he used his smarts to make shit to get him out of situations because he wasn't tough. Were he a tough guy, he never would have wound up in half of the problems he was in.

Kevin Smith is a good guy.

2008-12-01T07:10:00.000-08:00

Kevin Smith has tons of class. Well, maybe not tons, but he does have some class. This is an old story, but I just remembered it the other day.

Kevin once dated a girl who's mother was very overly protective. The mother decided that Smith was going nowhere and wrote him a letter that said, "Kevin Smith will never be a famous writer because he lacks drive. But I wish him well anyway. If I'm wrong, find me and I'll eat this." The classy part comes when he got famous but he never took it back and threw it in her face.

If that were me, she'd constantly get reminders of how wrong she was. I'd send her pieces of the letter with a copy of a the latest movie and an update on my bank account. I'd probably attach photos of nice houses and say, this is probably where you'd be living if you hadn't been such a meddling bag and got in the way of my relationship with your daughter (even though the relationship would've ended anyway, it's good to lay the blame on the mother).

I guess some people are just better at letting things go than me.

Thrown off.

2008-11-28T07:58:00.001-08:00

I think I'm too much a creature of habit. I'm amazed at myself in how easily I can be thrown off if my normal day is disturbed even the slightest bit.

My parents are in town for Thanksgiving. We're at my house. I can still do all the things I normally do. Yet, for some reason, just having them here puts me in this fog where I'm just eating like garbage.

Why am I eating these animal crackers? I don't really like animal crackers. Yes, I want a cheeseburger WITH fries, what are you nuts?

I feel like the kind of guy who can do things just fine on his own, but when people are around, he falls to pieces. Instead of it being something stupid like juggling or playing that Beetles so you just learned on the guitar, for me it's eating.

Today's a Holiday

2008-11-27T07:33:00.000-08:00

I was hoping to write something Thanksgivingy, but looking at some of the headlines today, that's a bit difficult:

"TERROR AT THE TAJ"
"PLAN TO BOMB PENN STATION"
"Feds warn of terror plot against NYC subways"
"Russia to complete Iran nuclear plant in 2009"
"'TWILIGHT' STAYS TOP OF BOXOFFICE"

Today, if you're with family, might be a good time to enjoy their company and let a few grudges go.

If you're alone, go to a movie and sit right next to someone even though there's plenty of empty seats.

Ow, my back.

2008-11-26T06:09:00.001-08:00

I'm starting to believe that a lot of pain is a result of weakness. I'll give you a couple of examples that I've seen in myself.

I used to have lower back pain. There were about 4 or 5 instances a year where my lower back would just give out. I wouldn't be able to move for a few moments and then there would be a lingering pain for several weeks.

A couple of years ago, I started doing CrossFit which involved a lot of deadlifting and squats. Both were exercises I've never really done because I had been lead to believe they put undue strain on the knees and back. I did them anyway because I was interested in the program and the results I saw in people.

After several months, of deadlifts, squats, power cleans and so on, I noticed that I hadn't had any problems with my back in a while.

Another example, earlier in this year I'd hurt my shoulder. I babied it for a while and it didn't seem to get better. I'd gain some mobility and then sleep on it wrong and wake up in pain. I even modified my sleeping habits so that I spent the entire night off of my left side in hopes that it would help. Nothing.

I don't remember why, but it occurred to me that I hadn't done overhead squats in quite a while and decided to give them a try. Every day for a month I would do two sets of five with 45lb bar. Now, I'm at about 90% to normal.

That's when it dawned on me that on two occasions now I've been able to treat pain by strengthening the areas that were giving me problems. This is just one of those things where you discover something that a lot of people already knew and then feel smart until people say, "Yeah, I know. What, are you just figuring this out?"

Monster Jobs.

2008-11-25T05:20:00.000-08:00

Warlord, now that is an awesome job title. I know they are responsible for horrible things, but it just sounds good. I think it would really shine on your resume.

If you have warlord in your resume, it lets the interview know that you have organizational skills, work well under pressure, and have a strong leadership ability.

If you're looking for a new job, put warlord down and reason for leaving would be "revolution". It's not like they can call your previous place of work to verify.

What do you want? A Happy Birthday?

2008-11-24T06:38:00.000-08:00

I don't make a big deal out of birthdays anymore. My own or other people who are close to my age. It's nothing against you. I just think celebrating birthdays being made into a huge deal belongs to children.

If you're over the age of 21, Why are you keeping count? The answer to "are you old enough to..." is yes.

But, you have to be 25 to rent a car. You know what, I'll give you up to 25. After that, stop counting. You really have nothing to look forward too. If you're younger than 62, you don't even need to count down to social security.

I know you think it's your special day, but let's look at the math. There's over 300 million people in the United States. That means, every day over 821,918 people are celebrating their very own special day. And that's only in this country. World wide it's closer to 18,088,285 a day. Sure, most of those people aren't having cake and many probably wish they hadn't been born, but still, it is their birthday.

So, if say your birthday were yesterday, and you noticed you didn't get some "Happy Birthday" comment from me that of a slice of cake that sparkled, just know that it's not that you're not a special person. I just don't do that.

Stupid, I know.

2008-11-21T04:30:00.000-08:00

I find it strange the the older I get, the older my friends become. I don't mean, hey, I'm 30 and now my friends are 30.

When I was 20, most of my friends were also in their twenties but I also had some friends that were 30. Now that I'm 30, most of my friends are around thirty, but I've also got friends that are around 50.

Should this trend keep up, by the time I'm 40, I'll be chillin with my nursing homies.

Say that again.

2008-11-20T07:12:00.000-08:00

My son's been watching these PreSchool Prep DVDs. They're to help teach him basics like shapes, colors, letters and numbers. They seem to work well because he can identify many colors and shapes now.

It works thru repetition and animation. For example, an octagon will be on screen as an animated character jumping rope and swinging on monkey bars while the whole time repeating "Octagon. Octagon. Octagon. Octagon." Then the octagon will become just the shape and again "Octagon. Octagon. Octagon."

The child learns the words, but strangely, if you're in the same room, the words start to lose all meaning and just become strange sounds.

"Octagon. Octagon. Octagon. That sounds funny. I wonder who first said that. Oc-ta-gon. Octagon."

Pick these up if you have a kid about 1 - 3 years old in your life or if you know some serious pot heads.

Yo Ho Yo Ho

2008-11-19T04:19:00.001-08:00

Well, I'll be damned. Obama is going to have to deal with pirates. Bush got terrorists which was like a Rambo movie, but pirates is a whole new world of fantasy action. Fucking pirates! This should make for entertaining news coverage. Arrrrrr!

You've got pirates hijacking some pretty important ships and then demanding ten millllllion dollars.

I'm sure they're actually just fun loving and misunderstood guys who swagger around and drink and say catchy things like "You're off the edge of the map, mate. Here there be monsters." At least, that's what I've been lead to believe by Disney.

To avoid the phone from a government official asking me how to handle this, I'll just go ahead and tell them.

Get some ships that have run their coarse and are destined to become reefs. Pretty them up and make them look important. Rig them with explosives and send them out to look sexy for pirates. When they get hijacked, KABOOM!

Three or four ships sink to the bottom dragging some pirates into Davey Jones' Locker, and it'll no longer seem like a good idea.

Anyone else fake shocked?

2008-11-18T06:50:00.000-08:00

Holy crap, Wanda Sykes is gay?
Actually, I should have guessed that when something she said made me laugh.

My favorite quote was where she said, "I was just living my life. Not necessarily in the closet, but I was living my life." You mean, you were just being a normal person who didn't identify yourself by who you have sex with? That's refreshing.

I just hope that this isn't her invitation to begin every sentence with, "As a lesbian".

Then again, if she did it wouldn't really change the entertainment value for me. The only time I really ever see Wanda is on Curb Your Enthusiasm. On that show, she plays herself, but not gay. I wonder if that's difficult...

I'm a decent guy...really.

2004-09-12T18:15:00.000-07:00

Today Jenny and I finished a charity bike ride to help fight MS. It was 48 miles on Saturday, and 42 on Sunday (today). I not trying to brag or say, "look how charitable I am," but I do make a lot of horrible jokes about disabled people, but when it comes down to it, I am willing to help.

Anyway, today sucked because my body was beaten up pretty bad yesterday, but still I pressed on. I almost gave up at the beginning because of the pain. Not the muscle pain, but the pain that only a bicycle seat can provide. Horrible.

When I finally finished, yeah, yeah, sure I felt some sense of acomplishment for not giving up and blah bl- blah. But, honestly, the greatest joy for me was seeing a midget at the finish line who was wobbling around and cleaning up. For some reason, it made the entire day's ride worth while. If I'm lucky, my first child will be a dwarf...but if I'm even more lucky, I won't have a dwarf baby, but someone I know will and I'll be able to visit from him/her from time to time and make them give me chocolates instead of the other way around.

I Suck

2004-09-06T13:42:00.000-07:00

I'm lazy and I sicken myself. I deserve to be beaten, but I'd probably be too lazy to show up for that too.

Kids

2004-08-16T20:27:00.000-07:00

Yesterday some kid punched me. He was this little Indian kid and was about five. I was playing an XBox demo and he came up and wanted to play. He looked up at me and punched me in the leg. Not hard, but I immediately heard the inner black woman go "Oh no you didn't." The mother didn't do much other than say his name in a fake stern voice. I wanted to pick him up by his head and shake it till his body went limp. There needs to be more of that I think. Children need dangers and predators to keep them nice and quite when in public. If we still lived in the jungles, that little curry turd who won't stop crying while you eat would only be a problem for a few moments before being snatched away by a giant tiger or bear.

Today however, I had a great experience with a kid. I was in the same mall and was going to go down the escalator but there was this little kid, about 4, who was timid and an old man who was doing his best to get him on to the thing. "Come on," he said as he stepped on to the escalator. The kid just stood there watching. I guess he thought it was funny to watch this old man run up in the wrong direction only to fall just before reaching the top and ride it back down on his ass.

You know what, it was funny.

But the good guy in me kicked in and I said, "Just go ahead, I'll help him on." So while the old man rode his way down to the bottom floor, I helped the little boy onto the escalator, rode down with him, and helped him off. The old man thanked me and I think the boy was happy as well. As I walked off, I thought, "Man, that was nice of me. I mean, that poor old man would have been in big trouble had I not come along and assisted in his abduction and molestation of that little boy." True, I don't know for sure that the boy was molested, but what else do you do with a child?

Fired

2004-08-09T11:08:00.000-07:00

I have been fired from Rascals in Louisville for being "too dark". The owner came up to me before show time and said that first show is usually a more conservative crowd and he didn't want me to be too dark.

I go up and 7 minutes in, I’m getting an urgently flashing light. I felt that I was doing fairly well with my opener and closer getting a great response. The show did start late, so maybe he was just cutting my time short there. When I come off, he takes me out of the club and says, "Dude, I specifically told you to go easy and you get up there and do your “grandma’s nipple ring” bit and the “midget doctor” thing. What didn't you understand?"

I explained to the guy that that is my material and I was being about as conservative as I get. And looking back at the rest of that show and the 11:00 show, I really don’t understand how I was THAT bad.

He pulled me from the rest of the week. I did get paid and after talking a little more with him and the manager they explained that they didn't have a problem with me. They thought I but just didn’t fit their idea of this particular show.

They said they'd love to have me back with like an Attell or Artie Lang who I would fit with.

I think I need to study exactly what the hell "dark" means. I don't think I'm dirty, because I avoid profanity like I would a pile of aids monkeys.

I’m glad that we left on decent terms and I’ll probably send them a card just thanking them for not being dicks about everything. Though it would have been entertaining to have a big Vince McMahon style “YOU’RE FIRED!” thrown at me.

Grocery Shopping

2004-08-04T15:35:00.000-07:00

I don't think I can go to my local Lowes Foods anymore because there's this hot chick who works the register that has these eyes that just turn me stupid. I stand there staring at her as she rings my stuff up just trying not to drool. Then she's says, "That'll be $7.50" and dig into my pocket and hand her a wadded up twenty and couldn't look more retarded if I had cerebral palsy and parkinsons.

I don't need that in my life.

First Ever

2004-07-26T10:12:00.000-07:00

I don't know how I feel about myself starting a Blog seeing as I can't stand these things in general. Then again, most of what I’ve seen involves “whoa is me” whininess painted with bad English and lazy abbreviations (when you type LOL are you really LOLing? I didn’t think so.). I weighed the pros and cons of the whole thing and decided that I need something that will get me writing. I'm such a lazy shit and I need a little push. So here it is; I’m so proud I could hang myself.

Last night I watched an episode of 20/20 that I had taped from Friday. I usually don’t watch 20/20 because I’m not eighty years old, but they ran a promo on meal replacement bars and shakes and how they’re “not all they’re cracked up to be.” It had my interest because I’m using meal replacements to help drop some 25 pounds of beer, pizza and no will power; I want to make sure that I’m not getting screwed.

The show started with its typical story that takes up the first half hour about a woman who’s abused, or missing or one of those other silly things that women do. I fast-forwarded thru this so I really have no idea what the details of the story was, but I’ve seen them a thousand times before and have long since been desensitized to the plight of the abused woman or her husband that just wants some quiet time.

Next was an excellent story by John Stossel about trial lawyers. His thinking was, hey, if John Edwards is running for vice president, perhaps we should see how trial lawyers make their millions and how it effects us, the consumers. To paraphrase it all, lawsuits are increasing the costs to consumers and also putting some people’s lives in danger because doctors, pharmaceutical companies and others are afraid of being sued. When the report was over, Barbara Walters has to open her stupid mouth and say how that segment reflected Stossel’s views and not necessarily those of her or the show. I was hoping that Stossel would jump on the desk and shit on her head before bludgeoning her with his “world’s greatest dad” paper weight he got last father’s day.

Finally, came the story that got me interested in the first place. The meal replacements. Do they not have what the labels say they do? Do they contain some kind of poison? Perhaps they give people stomach cramps and diarrhea because they’re made with Mexican water. Any of those would be better than the angle the show went with. Ready? They don’t taste like real candy bars or chocolate shakes. That’s it? That’s it. This woman doing the “report” stumbles toward the camera like a From Dusk Till Dawn vampire talking about the taste of these meal replacements like we didn’t already know this. Oh yeah, and they’re not as satisfying as a milk shake. This thing put me in several different levels of pissed off all at once. I can’t believe I wasted my time with this bullshit.

For the record, not all meal replacements taste bad. My current favorite is EAS Myoplex Lite Chocolate Chocolate Chip Crisp. And no, it’s not as satisfying as eating a cheeseburger. If you thought it would be, you deserve to be pushed out of a moving vehicle and into a cactus.